When you first gain the awareness to think logically about this world... how do you perceive everything?
I came to the conclusion that this is not the world I know. I was an alien living a human life. The kind where everyone else is powerless, unloved, and broken. Amongst them, I was the only one living in power, trust, and love aligned with the universe. My early life began to erode as this unhealed shadow loomed over my soul. They whisper their own chaos like bugs crowding a light bulb at night.
This is the kind of pain I knew no one would understand. Because this is how life works: you either agree with the shadow or play dumb as if it were never there. But the whisper never stops. I have kept hearing them since I could think for myself.
Until I was eight years old, on my way home from school, I synthesized the pain into my life's mission. Here's how it happened.
I was walking with a backpack and a deep chatter that had been happening for years. I heard every shadow chirping away their contrasts to me. I responded to everything with, "...Yeah, but why is it like this? Why can't it be like this?" and the chatter grew even more crowded. Instead of losing my own awareness, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything would be much easier, simpler, and effortless if only it happened this way. Like the universe is built on an automatic system that allows the next thing to evolve from what was chosen before. When you choose something twisted, you only get twisted away from the thing you want most. So I never bought the idea that these shadows presented to me.
Eventually, I got bored hearing repeated chatter and thought, "What can I do with all of this?" I knew there was a better version of this world, and I was tired of the same old narrative. I no longer wanted to be a bystander to this chaos. But changing this world's reality requires me to infiltrate the system. Whose systems exactly? Was I going to get into a government system and change it from there? Not that. I can't stand the darkness in government. But the government is created by people. So if I want to change the system, I need to know how to change the people. Since the creators of this world are not only government officials but also the masses. So, the true holder of the system is actually humanity.
But... I don't like humans. Since I'm not human myself. Make it makes sense. I'm not human? Whose body am I in right now? I mean, I'm not the usual type of human who experiences the shadow. Usually, whenever someone is experiencing the shadow, they agonize over every option available to them and have a difficult time to choose direction. I know exactly what option is best fit for me based on my condition and direction. Doesn't that mean I know how to be like in the version of the world I know? Right... But I still don't like humans. But you need to work with humans... Exactly... So how can I do that?
The only difference I can't wrap my head around about being human is the idea of shadow, suffering, and pain. No matter how I simulate this narrative, I can't grasp it. I always know how to get things done, and every buffer or block that gets in my way is always dispersed like it's nothing important. But this always happened behind the scenes without my permission. So I came up with this idea: I had time. I was still eight years old. I could experience the shadow until I understood it.
That was the conversation I had with my spiritual council while walking home from school. By the time I turned into the alley leading to my house, I was living with a mission: a mission to experience the darkness of this reality. And here's a little side story.
You know how neighbourhoods sometimes have that one suspicious house? I was walking past it right after I set the mission. A bunch of guys were hanging out in front of the house. One of them just came out, holding a candy: a giant lollipop. He said, "Hey kid, want this candy?" I stopped, thinking about it.
I know how sketchy this moment was and I was aware how it will lead to a bad outcome. But I just set the mission, so this feels like a holy grail. Like I asked for something I want and I got it. And I was considering this option so hard that I just stood there for a few seconds.
While I was thinking, my dad came on his motorcycle heading toward me and picked me up to take me home. (Side note: Later on, I heard that my dad had a warning intuition that he needed to pick me up.)
Over time, I received many other invitations like the story above in different areas of my life. My awareness remained intact throughout, but having unprocessed experiences took a toll on my system, and new dynamics emerged. The discomfort has turned into pain and compounded into sexual trauma, anxiety attacks, horrible period cramps, sugar addiction, arrogance, a hypermasculine attitude, and judgment. All of which prevented me from understanding the good things about human life. But even with this deep suffering in my system, I still don't experience that soul breaking suffering that breaks others. Because whenever something terrible happens, I rebound exactly at that moment. Like something is backing me up without me knowing it, and I can keep going as if nothing had ever happened in the first place. Am I missing something?
One night in 2017, while lying in bed and looking at the boring ceiling. Just like someone who is at their deathbed, I rewind every moment I had so far. I thought to myself: What have I been doing with my life for the last fourteen years? Have I been wasting it on some decision I made back when I was eight years old? Do I even know what things I could have experienced in those fourteen years instead of this? I was so angry, frustrated, sad, and ashamed in that moment that I fell even deeper into darkness. I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't turn back time to before it all happened. Because I would still remember this moment. All the pain, shadow, and suffering I had tried to experience over the years would still linger in every corner of my body, memory, and focus. I wanted to quit everything, but I also knew that even in the afterlife my soul would still want to go through every single one of these things all over again. What could I do with this?
While drowning deeper into my sorrow, something shifted. The system that usually backed me up stopped working. Instead of releasing the pain, I felt it stay still. Like it was stuck somewhere, and I was left feeling helpless, alone, and confused. Suddenly, it hit me: I finally got it. This feeling of duality in my own system is what I usually sense in others. I didn't understand it then, but now I know that when I'm in this kind of state, I don't feel joy or certainty in my own system. Everything is in a grey area. It's like my sense of self, identity, and reality are falling apart, and I can't really tell if something is the truth or just blatant lies, or whether it's mine or theirs. It's like I lost my footing and am floating in a world that is trying to get me.
Now that I got it, I feel the weight of this moment. Even though I know something is wrong and my system is off, I need to use my will to move, but with no certainty lighting my way, I can't find where to take the next step. The only guiding light I have left is the feeling that "this can be better," and that's enough to move me somewhere. Like a game where one wrong move takes you back to the starting line, I stepped into so many traps and had to start over and over and over and over again. But the next time I got back on it, I got better. I no longer stepped at the same trap, and eventually I found a finish line.
From this point on, every pain I healed led me to keys that fix my broken system. As I gather more keys, I feel I can trust more signals that are coming from my body or the universe. I begin to accept the effortlessness of this reality as the standard. I also noticed whatever pain I still had in my system, I’ll be okay no matter what. The friction in my system gradually becomes less noticeable and I feel more free and loved by each day passing.
While I can feel my confidence rising, not all of my suffering finds its finish line. But it's enough for me to show up in front of you right now and say that I know enough. I know the cycle so well that I am no longer bypassing my own journey. I know the important pillars that will make me move faster. I know how the dark and light are interconnected within myself and my reality. "I know enough" is the mindset that led to my brand new mission in 2020: to share what I've come to know.
And this is one of the journeys that's still in progress. I tried so many iterations of sharing, but nothing stuck. Because deep down, I didn't truly want to move on. I had been on a journey to experience the most complex things someone can have, and I found that a small, peaceful space was enough to make me stay longer. Taking on a new mission would destroy this peace, so in 2022 I put everything aside. I was just basking in the peace, joy, and harmony of this world. I cared nothing about the mission and lived solely for myself. I trusted myself that I would know when to move. But I also felt impatient and made small attempts here and there. As I expected, it still didn't feel right to move. So I waited while still making progress in other things.
Eventually, I found how moving on to my next mission is more exciting and on point than staying hidden in a peaceful space. 2025 was the year I started working on this journey again. Slowly and surely, I made a comeback.
This version of my full story was written in July 2026. All I can say is that it's still a work in progress.
Thank you for reading this long story. Your time is precious and I shared this story not to brag about the unconventional storyline. I’m dropping the catalyst that contributed to how expanded my life is becoming. Has anything I shared here light something inside of you?
Or if you want to explore your story with me, let’s do it together here:
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